I remember the days of chronic change.
With my shrink and shaman on call I dove into green juice, reiki, retreats, conferences, massage, journaling, dream analysis, coaching, theta healing, meditation, hypnosis, gratitude, yoga, energy work, herbal remedies, acupuncture, and scientific journals.
Most days … it was a lot.
If I could go back, here’s what I would tell my hustling-to-heal self.
Stop.
Honestly look at why you are compulsively trying to change – is it because your dance teacher said you were too fat, your university prof said you weren’t ambitious enough, your boyfriend wanted to be a power couple, the guru of the month said it was a good idea to take up running, your mother said you were too emotional, or your New Year’s resolution said you should?
Stop trying to change yourself.
Start becoming yourself.
When you feel annoyed by listicles about how to be better, documentaries in your Netflix cue, unsolicited advice about how to navigate life, or the stack of books on your bedside table waiting to be read. Stop.
It might not be easy, I know how desperate the desire to change can be.
I tried to put an end to my suffering by committing to five days a week of bootcamp, abstaining from alcohol / sugar / shopping / sex / TV / gluten, reading a book a week for ten years, forcing myself through a daily meditation practice, and attempting multiple green smoothie cleanses.
Of course, some of these things did something for me – added a missing piece, removed stubborn toxins, upped my level of consciousness, deepened my ability to love.
But, trying to change who I was lasted a few days or months, becoming who I am is what lingers.
I’m not knocking growth. But, authentic growth is very different than compulsive change.
Growth is part of who we are.
It’s mapped into our bodies and wired into our minds.
I believe, with my whole heart, being growth-oriented is a prerequisite for being a good psychologist.
Before I could help my clients work out their family issues, be liberated from the shackles of addiction, resolve neuroses, soothe the jitters of anxiety, raise veil of depression, rewire limiting beliefs, or design lives they love – I had to learn it and live it myself.
Growth is good.
But, when you’re tired exhausted, it’s time to look at whether you are growing into who you really are or trying to change yourself into who you think you should be.
The pursuit of better, happier, healthier, sexier, wealthier can end up distracting us from being ourselves.
The pressure to do more, be more, achieve more is a treadmill that increases in incline and speed the more you stay on it.
It’s okay to jump off.
Shed the layers of beliefs that tell you you’re not enough. Brick by brick take down the walls of expectation that you should be different than you are. Unshackled yourself from the obligation of trying to be all things to all people.
Be who you are.
Stop muffling your own opinion with the opinion of others.
Stop landfilling your soul with inauthentic dreams and goals.
Stop covering up the beauty of you with the masks of not enoughness.
A great life is not a perfect life.
It’s not even a happy life.
A great life is a life you love.
A life lived from the truth of your soul.
{regardless of the good opinion of your best friend, favorite author, or well-trained shrink}.
Stefan Makwana captures me.