why ‘hurt people, hurt people’ isn’t enough

This is a wild time for relationships.

I’ve been helping my clients navigate intense friendships, crumbling business alliances, spicy romantic partnerships, parenting snafus, aggressive run-ins with strangers and everything in between.

It makes sense that the most complex aspect of being human is getting stirred up right now. Because we are living in a field of trauma, uncertainty, and adversity it’s easy for past hurts to resurface, for unhealthy patterns to pop up, and for stress to push us into reactivity.

Much of what’s unfolding right now is beyond our control, but what’s within our control is how we choose to show up for ourselves and for each other.

“Hurt people, hurt people” is a good first step – it inspires empathy, understanding, and compassion.

It’s also not enough.
Just because it’s true, doesn’t mean it should be tolerated.

Being hurt is not an excuse to hurt others, it’s an invitation to heal.

It’s not an easy invitation to accept, because we unconsciously seek what’s familiar and repeat what we don’t repair {even if it’s unhealthy, dysfunctional, toxic, and not something we would consciously choose}.

If what we have known, is disconnection, anxiety, trauma, hiding, enmeshment, self-abandonment, abuse, overwhelm, criticism or chaos, then our subconscious mind seeks more of the same {we don’t do this consciously}. With enough repetition of these experiences we become conditioned to believe it’s what we deserve, it’s to be expected, or it’s all that’s available.

This is why healing is necessary.

We must become aware of our wounds in order to break the harmful patterns that are lodged deeply in our being.

Healing isn’t about becoming better, having it all together, or never experiencing hard things. It’s about building a safe and loving place for our whole self to show up. From there, we can share that safe and loving place with the people around us.

When we heal, we change the trajectory of our lives and are free to walk towards the lives we love. 

What you choose to heal today, will make a difference tomorrow.
Show up, for yourself and for them, with love.